New Poem

Unhealthy Thoughts

Demons telling me nonsense in my ear
Of all the things I don’t want to hear
Lies, lies, and more lies!
They begin to laugh as they hear my cries
Falling fast down this slope
Searching for something to give me hope
No! I can’t listen to what they say!
Guess I will have to take this day by day

Lucky Me

In June/July, a dog photographer put out a FB post stating she was having a contest. A person needed to like her business FB page (Animal Studio Photography) and post a picture of their pet in the comments.  Ten winners would win a free sitting session and one free 5 x 7 of their favorite picture. I of course wanted chance to get a nice shot of Benelli since I knew I would never be able to afford one.

Well, we won! 🙂

He did great during the sitting session. He listened for about an hour then after that he didn’t bother trying to please the photographer and I. Haha!

The other week I FINALLY received my free 5 x 7. Here is a digital copy, what do you think??

🙂

A huge thank you to Animal Studio Photography!

Not Lupus?

A few months ago I had a not so normal eye exam. The optometrist noted an irregularity with one of my tests that I take for my main Lupus medication, Plaquenil. That meant the medication was starting to effect my eyes. So my new rheumatologist had me see an eye doctor (ya know, because they want to make sure to see a “M.D.” behind the name) and go off the medication. The new eye doctor said it looked fine so I’m back on the medication for the time being. I go back in for another round of tests to make sure everything is still okay at the end of October.

I decided to change my rheumatologist as I felt my current one wasn’t working enough for my health. I told my rheumy about my symptoms of my Gastroparesis (my stomach is not working properly) and she never bothered to look further into it or to send me to a GI doctor.

The first meeting with my new rheumy went well! He also is seeing my sister for MCTD (Mixed Connective Tissue Disease). It was a relief because I had a “feeling” that he would tell me that I didn’t have Lupus, but have what my twin has.

The second meeting with my new rheumy soon came up and my view on him suddenly changed. He told me he didn’t think I had Lupus but I had a disease called Sjogren’s (sounds like “show grins”). He said the Lupus marker never showed up on my blood work but came up on the Sjogren’s marker. And the Sjogren’s marker can mean the person has Sjogren’s…or LUPUS! Think about that for a moment. He kept asking if I had any seizures or heart attacks and I replied with a no. I think he is having a hard time believing that I have Lupus because I haven’t had one or the other, but the thing is having one or the other is NOT a prerequisite for Lupus! So he ordered a bunch of more blood work. I see him again at the beginning of October but wasn’t sure if I wanted to. Suddenly after 20 years I just don’t have Lupus?? Plus, I have had three different doctors tell me that I have Lupus. So at my next appointment I am going to talk to him more of why I “don’t have Lupus.” I didn’t get any of my thoughts/opinions out when he mentioned this shocker because I was so dumbfounded on what he all said. If I’m not satisfied, I am going back to my other doctors that believe that I have it!

What If?

I dated a guy in my early 20’s. I will call this guy, CCC. We had such chemistry. He was an amazing kisser, I could get lost in his kisses. He was good at everything he did. I often felt intimidated by his knowledge of any subject. He was a majorly into BMX, and was a big kid. So he knew how to have fun and how to get me to smile when I didn’t want to. Out of all my boyfriends, he felt like home to me. I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He made me aware of my biggest issue I have in relationships and I will always be thankful he told me and doing so in a respectful way.

We dated for a few months before I decided to break things off. I thought I knew what I wanted & how the world worked. After the breakup we would basically act as though we were together off & on, but without the title of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” CCC had no problem being a FWB (friends with benefits) when I needed one. Only he did have a problem with it and didn’t tell me. Learning about it ten years after the fact and I struggle with guilt that I should have picked up on his actions that showed that he cared.

Fast forward to earlier this month and as some of you know, old habits die hard. Only this time it was only FWB. Anyway, I came clean that I still cared about him even though I had been trying to tell myself that I didn’t. I would tell myself, “He’s not the same person as back then. He’s a different person now. The person I loved is no longer there.” Of course I sobbed while I told him and looked like a hot mess.

I waited about a week after my melt down before I tried sending CCC a message on Snapchat. But the message wouldn’t go through. It kept coming up as an error. I knew at that moment he deleted/blocked me. I didn’t bother texting him as he pulled this stunt one other time. (which was kinda my fault because I told him I was making a character in my novel and based it off him. So yeah, kinda creeper-ish on my part.). He didn’t talk to me for a year.

I can’t be just friends with him, I will always want something more. I do not like wondering “what if” so will take the chance and say something. But I no longer need to wonder “what if” with him. I already know.