You Can Rest Now, My Baby

At 3:06 p.m. I hear the vet in the background say, “Her heart has stopped.”

Then my heart stops for only a moment and I begin to sob in the back of Storm’s neck. I faintly hear the vet tech and my sister, Melissa, make a mold of Storm’s paw to have as a keepsake. As the vet tech leaves, she says very gently that I can take as much time as I need. I wait a couple moments then ask Melissa to give me some time with Storm alone. She leaves and I began to start sobbing all over again while embracing her body in a hug on the floor. I cry and cry until her body begins to start turning cold. That realization makes me cry harder because she always gave off so much heat, she was like my little heater.

Not much long after, I decided that I should get my sister in the waiting room and leave. September 1st will no longer be just a “normal” day for me.

It feels like I am in a dream, that she really isn’t gone and I desperately need to wake up. Everywhere I look in my townhouse I see her, or where she should be. In everything I do I see her, or should see her watching me.

That first night was unbearable without her. I miss her down by my feet then when I finally turn off my lamp, she lays next to my chest. I miss only having 1/4th of a bed to sleep on. I miss her waking me in the middle of the night to be let under the covers so she can cuddle my legs to get warm.

The next day I try doing some socializing at my mom’s, then go home to find out that coming home to an empty house is heart-wrenching. It makes me no longer to want to leave my place ever again.

I’m not sure about the future of this blog. I mean, I mostly made it to talk about Storm (plus other dogs). I suppose I can still write about my Lupus…

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. The next few posts will be about her and why I had to do what I did. Some may be sappy posts of pics of her and why I miss her so much. I just need to get it out instead of keeping it all in my head.

On the way for the last meal, Cheeseburger and ice cream.

Last play with my nephew, Kyan.

Waiting for her sedatives to work. Stubborn yet lovable bulldog! They had to give it to her twice because she kept fighting it.

 

Note: I need to thank my sister for going with me. She doesn’t do well with death (not that anyone really does well with it), yet she went for me. Not only did she go, but she stayed in the room with me so I didn’t have to do this alone. That is huge for her and I have to give her mad props for that. Thank you, seester. I love you.

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Still Healing

So lately I have become addicted to something. It steals my time used for writing, reading, coloring, and chores. It’s a damn phone game! I haven’t been this obsessed about playing games since middle school! It’s called Simon’s Cat (yes, the cartoon). And I THINK it is a lot like Candy Crush and I emphasize the word ‘think’ because I have never played Candy Crush. The goal is to feed Simon and his friends as many colored treats with only a certain amount of chances. How could I not love a game where I feed a cat a treat?!? And I need to stop playing because I keep spending money on it to purchase more lives or tricks to defeat the villains. Oh yeah and because I have things to get done around my house. Hahaha.

Things with Storm are going pretty well. I was worried she was getting infections because she kept getting holes where her incision site was. It was VERY stressful on me. So stressful that I considered putting her down. But it was also stressful on Storm as she would get a fever before it would happen, so she wouldn’t be acting like herself, would be laying around more often, etc. I finally was able to get her into the vet’s while she had a hole still open (after a couple days the hole would heal and completely close). The vet looked at it and said it wasn’t an infection, but it was her body trying to rebuild granulated tissue. My understanding of granulated tissue is that it’s like scar tissue in a way, but it builds layer upon layer of new tissue where there is a gap. It’s a bit annoying because when the site opens, blood and fluid come out a few times for a few days (i.e. Mom has to do a lot of laundry because blankets are now over every piece of furniture). But every time it looks better and the holes are smaller. So unfortunately Storm still has to wear the Cone of Shame time from time.

 

 

Pride Festival 2017

Last Saturday, I went to support my gay family and friends and went to our city’s Pride festival. This was the first time attending and I didn’t know anyone there. Normally, if I don’t have someone to go with somewhere, I just won’t go. Yes, I give up my chance of having fun or living LIFE just because I don’t want to go alone. And I know that I am not the only person like this. *cough* introverts *cough* But I’ve had enough of missing things just because I am… Hmmm I don’t know, scared? Intimidated? Care about what people think of me being there alone? My mother often goes to movies alone, I have always admired her for that. It is something I need to do sometime because there are tons of movies that I have wanted to see but never had anyone to go with sooooo I missed the chance of seeing them on the big screen.

So going to this festival alone was HUGE for me as it is the first thing I have done alone (I think). Technically I guess I wasn’t alone, I brought Storm. But having her with me gave me the courage to get out of my house and go. Even though I brought her with, I am still proud of myself and had to give myself a pat on the back (by posting it ha!).

I ended up staying for a couple hours, which surprised me. But how could I leave when the main theme is about love? Oh! And how could I leave when everyone was adoring and gushing over Storm? I can’t help it, I’m a proud mama. I like to show her off. 🙂

The most badass roller derby chic that I’ve ever seen! Hahaha!

 

This is What I Am …. ❄️❄️”Snowflake? ….  then I’m proud to be one …. “!! ❄️❄️ — It Is What It Is

~~May 31, 2017~~ Proud to be one We ALL are ONE!!

via This is What I Am …. ❄️❄️”Snowflake? ….  then I’m proud to be one …. “!! ❄️❄️ — It Is What It Is

Finally Healing!

Things with Storm are looking up! I am so relieved!

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Doesn’t it look great?!? It looks amazing compared to the other pics that I had posted! Ironically, when I took this shot a week or so ago, it looked like she was getting an infection again. I had seen her lick the site but I had no idea she was that obsessed with it. So, she is back on her antibiotic and the cone is on when I’m not next to her.

Things are going well with Storm learning how to be a tri-pawed. I haven’t taken her on a long walk yet but plan to soon. But her back leg is getting buff! 🙂 She is able to race up the stairs now and she can get up in a fluid motion from where she is laying down.

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I’m happy that she is still the same silly dog. 🙂