Holiday Depression

Holidays (mostly Christmas) can be very depressing for someone with a chronic illness, especially if they do not have a significant other. It could be that that person is not able to partake in festivities due to how shitty they feel. Another reason may be because they are on disability income and cannot afford gifts for the important people in their lives. Yes, it’s not about gifts, but it’s about being with family and friends. However it’s hard to keep that thought as everyone around you are opening gifts. And TV sure as hell doesn’t help. Every other commercial is about gifts, and what you are getting your loved one. Because more than ever, you want to be watching the surprise and happiness on their face when they open the gift from you.
These last few weeks I have been in a downward spiral with my depression. I am trying things and skills I learned in therapy to try and get back in the right mindset but nothing is working. I feel completely alone and lonely. It’s been a long time since I have cried this much. A factor that doesn’t help is I feel my close friends have not been there for me during this difficult time. A support group/circle is very critical to someone with a chronic illness (even for a normal person). Bless my mom for her support and putting up with my depressing texts, I would be worse off if she were not in my life. I have thought about contacting my therapist but I keep telling myself that I will soon feel better and back to my old self (and actually believe it) so there is no need to. But that hasn’t really been working either…
This is where my therapy skills that I learned kicks in: The negative thoughts (I thought about putting “voices,” then decided against it haha) are saying that my friends don’t care about me (I have voiced my opinion to them that holidays are depressing but they haven’t bothered to check on me.). But my therapy skills say, ‘let’s list reasons why they are unavailable and then choose a more realistic reason why they aren’t there for me: Do they have kids? A job? Significant other? Health problems? So every time I think a negative thought, I counteract it with a positive or realistic thought. But it’s not sticking. 😦 And I realize that everyone has a life so they will be busy and that’s why I don’t hear from them. But my depression makes me focus on only ME and nothing else. Why things aren’t working out for ME. Me, me, me. I’m not dismissing that depression is fake, it is very much real. When I find out my friends are not happy or sick, I try to contact them right away to see if things are okay. But I feel that they don’t do it in return. Don’t I deserve to feel loved? 😦

28 thoughts on “Holiday Depression

  1. You are in a very difficult situation and, regardless of your own assessment of your situation, I would suggest that you contact your therapist and set up an appointment, or better… a series of appointments. I do not see how, in your current state of mind, you can convincingly argue that you do not need a therapist (or that you are rationale enough to make that call). Do yourself a huge favor and get some professional support and guidance. Don’t you deserve that much?

    1. Yeah I will probably call my therapist to see if I can get in sometime soon. My mom is getting me out if the house tomorrow so I know that will help a little. Thanks the visit and suggestion, it is much appreciated! 🙂 Have a good weekend.

      1. Your response included two key words which you should acknowledge as of concern “probably” and “sometime”. They both would indicate that, at some level, you are not likely to follow through. If you do not acknowledge that you need assistance to deal with your issues, then you are unlikely to resolve them and could stay in a cycle of “poor me”! I really do not believe that is what you want but, like everybody else, you have choices to make and, also like everybody else, you will ultimately be living with the consequences of such choices.

  2. This subject matter certainly isn’t in my area of expertise but I feel the positive energy you have shared with me at times and always try to return that same energy to you through your blog. There are a lot of people that don’t think about returning the energy. They only take and you can’t let them bring you down. Besides, it isn’t their responsibility or role in life to make you feel a certain way about yourself. Personally, I don’t believe “deserving” love is the path to happiness. Happiness comes from within and radiates like a light. Others will be drawn to your light as you shine. Keep shinning pretty girl💖

  3. Everyone deserves to be loved and sometimes we ourselves have to love ourself before we ask anyone else to love us or even feel deserving of anyone’s love. How many times we deny ourselves that piece of cake or that ice cream we love so much because we are afraid of getting fat? how many times we succumb to peer pressure and end up doing more work then it is required at workplace? Why do we find it so hard to speak up for ourselves because we don’t want to sound selfish?

    Like a puppy grows with lots of care and love and as it reaches adulthood our love gets a tiny bit different from what it was but the pup’s heart never changes for us, always loving us. Maybe your dog loves you much? Maybe it’s not paid much attention to since its a dog? I too felt like that some years, that I am not loved as much as I deserved, but then I started paying attention and now more than ever, I have fallen in love with myself.

    Before asking a therapist maybe we just need to ask ourselves what do we need and what are we giving ourselves? I believe how we treat ourselves gives other a lot of ideas on how they can treat us. Your article is beautiful, asking questions is good and findings answers is even better. I hope you find what you are looking for.

    Have lots of love and fun in the coming days 🙂 Bless you. 🙂

  4. My heart is just breaking reading this. I am so sorry. First, I want you to know I am ALWAYS here for you……….are we friends on facebook? If not, please friend me….I am giving you my email cgittleman at mi dot rr dot com…….feel free to email me ANYTIME. I have been beyond depressed the past few months, not quite the same situation…..other than financially we are in a terrible place and I went through the same thing during the holidays (about gifts). I do have a spouse, but sometimes that just makes things worse (wink)……….things have been overwhelming. I want you to always know that you can reach out to me anytime that you want to!! ((((hugs)))) things WILL GET BETTER!! xoxo

  5. First let me say that I wholeheartedly and subjectively understand, personally and professionally. Seek some help to get you over this hump and back to a better place. Don’t let your thoughts that you can handle this yourself mislead you. Start with your doctor. And if you see a therapist that also. Meanwhile, please know I’m holding you in my heart and sincerely hope this lightens and passes. And thank you dearheart for reaching out to us. Love, Paulette

  6. Holdiays are complicated especially for anyone who is feeling depressed, lonely or otherwise disconnected. Diet can also affect one’s moods and all the sugar during the holidays can be a real culprit. It was for me and I’m trying like crazy to detox so I’ll ‘feel’ better mentally and emotionally. Ditching the fudge, peanut brittle, cookies and other Christmas sweets had not only a physical impact but an emotional one as well on one’s psyche. Know that I’m sending ‘pawsitive’ healing thoughts and warm wishes.
    ღonika, Sam, & Elsa 🐾

  7. I hope you find way out of this despair soon. Everything seems grey when you are in it. Thank goodness for your Mum. All you need is one brighter day and then everything starts to seem brighter. Good Luck. 🙂

    1. You are correct. My mom surprised me tickets with Cirque du Soleil Friday night and it was amazing. We had supper before we went so we spent a couple of good hours together. It was nice to get out of my house and helped bring my spirits up. I’m not so bothered by my friends now. I just need to work on meeting new people! 🙂 Thank you for your comment. It’s nice to see there are others that care about me. Sending you hugs!

      1. I’m very glad to hear you went out with your Mum and had a great time. It all helps in getting out of the dark depths. Wishing you all the best and sending more sunbeams 🙂

  8. I guess internet friends are not the same as friends you see in real life, but I think you know that there are plenty of bloggers who know how you feel. Who are always around, here for you, and will listen. All you have to do is reach out, dude. 🙂

    Please call your therapist. What harm could it do?

    1. That is very true, my internet friends have shown me more love than my other personal friends. Which is a little sad yet was one of the reasons why I wanted to post the blog. Thank you for being there for me. 🙂 Sending hugs your way!

  9. I’m sorry you are feeling this way, but let me reassure you, you are NOT alone. My Christmas sucked…..I didn’t really have one, but my family enjoyed 2 get together’s which did NOT include me because I’m too ill at this time. The second one, they were waiting on me because they said they weren’t having Christmas without me……well, they did anyway……and it really hurt my feelings and now they just can’t seem to understand why I’m being this way and blocking out those that love me the most. I’m not really blocking anyone out. I’m just not in the mood to have to keep defending myself for being sick. I’m tired of being made to feel guilty. Through it all, they still DO NOT see me or my point of view or how I might be feeling…………….shame on me for blocking you out today. Can I take a break from this so called life without being accused of a bunch of other shit???? So, they went on without me and now it’s done and over with. The few gifts I was able to buy are still in the boxes from Amazon and wherever I ordered from, unopened. I have no idea if I even received what I ordered. But, that’s ok. Merry Christmas to me. Those are now my gifts to myself, from myself…They will never understand and that’s another reason why they need to let me be for a time…..I don’t need any more stress. I’m done being sorry for being sick. I’m done being forced to do things I don’t feel up to doing. I’m done being guilty about anything. If they don’t care to take the time to educate themselves as to all my diagnoses and understanding why I am the way I am……….that’s not my problem. It’s their’s. I hope you’re having a “good” day. XX 🙂

    1. I’m sorry to hear that 😞 That’s not fair or nice that they make you feel guilty. And unfortunately they will never “fully” understand unless it happens to them. But they should at least try and learn what is going on with you. I’m so very thankful that my mom’s side is close-knit. I’m done with things as well. I finally picked myself up and said to myself, “if they don’t want to try, then I’m not going to.” Clearly they only came into my life for a certain period of time and I am going to find friends that give a damn about me. I’m glad to hear you are no longer worrying about your family. Sorry it took me forever to reply. Lol. I hope you are doing well! 😊❤

      1. No worries. Look how long it took me to reply back. We’re all doing the best we can. I’ll probably b be M.IA. again for awhile or maybe forever if these lazy ass doctor’s (excuse me, but…) don’t help me. I’m juststarving to death, but they don’t seem to give a shit!!!! I’ll either end up hospitalized or dead…I’d prefer tne latter….
        We have to only be concerned with ourselves because if we don’t no one else is going to do it, right?
        Hope you’re doing well! Hang in there. Take care, and PEACE OUT!!:)

  10. Oh, no one likes to hear this about someone, even if we are “just” online friends. I think other people have better advice than me, as it is clear they have more experience than I do here. Just letting you know we are thinking about you here.

  11. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

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    Hearing ambulance sirens

    Close by our environs…

    Holiday times tough

    Because not enough,

    Visits or family inquiring.

    At our place ambulances come,

    Near every other week for some…

    More when lonely

    Knowing the only

    Events are in Common Room fun.

    Alone in a room,

    Nobody coming by soon…

    Why take care

    With no one there,

    Waiting for death to come soon?

    This Thanksgiving Day,

    Turkey dinners for those who stay…

    While I’m at work

    My wife’ll help twerk,

    The spirits of those left alone that Day!

    Our neighbor, Dianne is cooking

    A turkey or two–others looking–

    To stuffing and sides

    Maybe less “red truck” rides,

    And dessert for any not working!

    –Jonathan Caswell

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