What If?

I dated a guy in my early 20’s. I will call this guy, CCC. We had such chemistry. He was an amazing kisser, I could get lost in his kisses. He was good at everything he did. I often felt intimidated by his knowledge of any subject. He was a majorly into BMX, and was a big kid. So he knew how to have fun and how to get me to smile when I didn’t want to. Out of all my boyfriends, he felt like home to me. I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He made me aware of my biggest issue I have in relationships and I will always be thankful he told me and doing so in a respectful way.

We dated for a few months before he decided to break things off. After the breakup we would basically act as though we were together off & on, but without the title of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” CCC had no problem being a FWB (friends with benefits) when I needed one. Only he did have a problem with it and didn’t tell me. Learning about it ten years after the fact and I struggle with guilt that I should have picked up on his actions that showed that he cared.

Fast forward to earlier this month and as some of you know, old habits die hard. Only this time it was only FWB. Anyway, I came clean that I still cared about him even though I had been trying to tell myself that I didn’t. I would tell myself, “He’s not the same person as back then. He’s a different person now. The person I loved is no longer there.” Of course I sobbed while I told him and looked like a hot mess.

I waited about a week after my melt down before I tried sending CCC a message on Snapchat. But the message wouldn’t go through. It kept coming up as an error. I knew at that moment he deleted/blocked me. I didn’t bother texting him as he pulled this stunt one other time. (which was kinda my fault because I told him I was making a character in my novel and based it off him. So yeah, kinda creeper-ish on my part.). He didn’t talk to me for a year.

I can’t be just friends with him, I will always want something more. I do not like wondering “what if” so will take the chance and say something. But I no longer need to wonder “what if” with him. I already know.

*9-15-20  Some of you may have read this with the earlier version that I broke things off with him. Recently I have been re-reading all my journals and came across the date of when we broke up. That date stated it was in fact him that broke things off with me so I changed this post to keep facts straight. For years I thought I was the one that broke things off, not sure why. It’s interesting what you can find in old journals…

9 thoughts on “What If?

  1. Living in the past is hard on the neck; you keep looking behind and tend to run into things in the present. Sounds like two nice people, met, became friends and grew. Nothing wrong with that but it’s always good to keep the past in perspective. 💖

  2. I have a few “what ifs?”…..there is saying which I will screw up…but…it boils down to, “if something is meant to be it is going to be no matter what we do. If you two are MEANT to be together, you will be” xoxo

  3. I’m sorry, Honey…but you got to look forward—not backward. Once one has tasted love, anything less doesn’t taste as good. I pray that you will hang on, till a new love appears…which will probably start as a friendship—make that last and then love can last!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s