Time for Change

Hello! I wanted to write a post months ago and never finished it. I usually like to write out my posts ahead of time but figured I would wing it this time.

So, time to be vulnerable and open about myself. The last five years of living alone, I haven’t shown myself much self love. I am the heaviest I have ever been and part of that is because of my Gastroparesis. Well, a lot of that was because of it, because my stomach couldn’t handle most foods. So I basically have been eating nothing but carbs as it is the only thing that doesn’t upset my stomach.

Since the beginning of January of this year, I have decided to start taking better care of myself. I started with Nutrisystem so I could lose some weight. I lost 20 pounds! 😁

Their system is basically (if you’re a woman) your first week you are only allowed 1,000 calories a day. Starting the next week, you go to 1,200 calories per day.

Their meals are okay taste-wise. I am super picky so I only liked two of their meals. Haha! But I ate the food anyway.

I am now trying something different with my diet, counting macros. “Macros” consist of meeting a certain number of grams for carbs, fats and proteins while staying near/at a certain level of calories. Counting macros is a different way to lose weight by eating the calories your body needs. When I was eating 1,200 calories a day, that was/is a very painful way to diet. It’s not very much food and I was always hungry. Now, I eat almost 1,600 calories per day and am still in calorie deficit in order to lose weight. My daily macros goals are: fat 55 grams, protein 130 grams, and carbs 159 grams. It’s a very SLOW process, the scale hardly moves for me. But you know what? My clothes are fitting me a little differently than before.

If you are curious about macros you can visit here then look for their calculator.

I also decided the covid virus has slowed down enough to go back to the gym! Plus, it helps that I finally got the vaccine. But I am very happy to be back to exercising! About a month ago, I also got reacquainted with weight lifting. It’s been years since lifting weights and I forgot how much I love it.

I hope you all are doing well! Benelli says hello. ☺️

*I am not getting paid by Macros Inc for this post

Park of Monster

Hello! Yes, I am still alive! I have a new addiction that is keeping me from any writing or even being on social media. I normally am not a “gamer” or one who plays video games but I recently got sucked into one. It’s more of an app.  It’s called Park of Monster and it’s a merging game. I  have become so addicted that I have spent money to further me in the game. I know, I know! Never pay for app games! But someone took me under their wings and helped me learn more about the game and one lesson I learned is that a person doesn’t necessarily HAVE to spend money in the game. 

Basically, the story is that demons have polluted this land where monsters live. And it is your job to get as many monsters as you can to clean up the land and make it lush and green again.

The monsters start off as eggs and once you have three of the same eggs, you place them next to each other to merge them. Magically the three eggs disappear and a monster is born! The monster starts off as a tiny version. Once you go through the process and get three tiny monsters (of the same monster), a small version appears. And so on and so forth.

The monsters come in all shapes and sizes. There are items you can “harvest” from other items. This is where the monster will work on item A to get item B, such as working on monster bones to get goblin caves. You can also harvest coins or ores that can be used to purchase monster eggs, ore warehouses, monster houses or coin vaults. You can also harvest to get stars, moons and suns. These items are the “magic” that makes the polluted lands green again.

Here are a couple of screen shots:

This shows some of the monsters and what the eggs look like

Again, some of the monsters and of what the ores (colored bricks) look like

I hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully it won’t be as long as this last time before you hear from me again. I have two more blog posts in mind that I want to get out. For now, take care and stay safe! 🙂

Sleepless In South Dakota

I’ve been laying in the dark for two hours now. I took some aspirin on top of my three different night meds and am still not able to fall asleep. I can’t shut off my mind and am guessing the small amount of red pepper I had is part of the problem. I wish I could eat red peppers but often insomnia follows, even eight hours later.

So I am sure you have heard by now how a medication, hydroxychloroquine, is stated to help with the coronavirus. As I’m sure you have also heard, this is an anti-inflammatory and Lupus drug. In fact, this is my main Lupus medication.

I called my doctor’s office to see if they could write me a script so I could potentially stock up before it’s all out in my state. They said they could not. I asked about the possible shortage and they stated if my pharmacy didn’t have any, to try a different one.

Thankfully I had a month’s worth from when I was in the middle of switching doctors. But I wasn’t sure if I should take it (seeing the prescription had been a year old) so I called my pharmacist. I asked him if it would be okay and he said yes, especially with the situation right now & that they (my pharmacy) were completely out of the product. “You basically have liquid gold,” he stated.

So, I’m not as worried as much knowing I currently have almost two months worth. But it still crosses my mind. I’m hoping that will be enough time for them to make more to meet demands.

But it pisses me off that drumpf (AKA Trump) stated what he did about the medication. He started a frenzy and it was irresponsible of him. They haven’t even had actual lab trials yet to see how it reacts to the coronavirus! Some people have taken chloroquine which is much more toxic than hydroxychloroquine! According to some Lupus groups on FB, they think doctors have been writing scripts of it for family members and friends to have on them “just in case.” I assumed that is what was happening.

Please stay safe and healthy!

What If?

I dated a guy in my early 20’s. I will call this guy, CCC. We had such chemistry. He was an amazing kisser, I could get lost in his kisses. He was good at everything he did. I often felt intimidated by his knowledge of any subject. He was a majorly into BMX, and was a big kid. So he knew how to have fun and how to get me to smile when I didn’t want to. Out of all my boyfriends, he felt like home to me. I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He made me aware of my biggest issue I have in relationships and I will always be thankful he told me and doing so in a respectful way.

We dated for a few months before he decided to break things off. After the breakup we would basically act as though we were together off & on, but without the title of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” CCC had no problem being a FWB (friends with benefits) when I needed one. Only he did have a problem with it and didn’t tell me. Learning about it ten years after the fact and I struggle with guilt that I should have picked up on his actions that showed that he cared.

Fast forward to earlier this month and as some of you know, old habits die hard. Only this time it was only FWB. Anyway, I came clean that I still cared about him even though I had been trying to tell myself that I didn’t. I would tell myself, “He’s not the same person as back then. He’s a different person now. The person I loved is no longer there.” Of course I sobbed while I told him and looked like a hot mess.

I waited about a week after my melt down before I tried sending CCC a message on Snapchat. But the message wouldn’t go through. It kept coming up as an error. I knew at that moment he deleted/blocked me. I didn’t bother texting him as he pulled this stunt one other time. (which was kinda my fault because I told him I was making a character in my novel and based it off him. So yeah, kinda creeper-ish on my part.). He didn’t talk to me for a year.

I can’t be just friends with him, I will always want something more. I do not like wondering “what if” so will take the chance and say something. But I no longer need to wonder “what if” with him. I already know.

*9-15-20  Some of you may have read this with the earlier version that I broke things off with him. Recently I have been re-reading all my journals and came across the date of when we broke up. That date stated it was in fact him that broke things off with me so I changed this post to keep facts straight. For years I thought I was the one that broke things off, not sure why. It’s interesting what you can find in old journals…

Poet In Training

Recently I have been writing, but not what I normally write. For some odd reason I have switched to writing poems, or at least, trying to anyway. I am not sure on the sudden shift but I am just going to go with it. Here is a little poem I wrote and am finally putting out in the world. Thanks to my sister for being my beta reader. 🙂

*Thanks to pixabay for use of photo

Darn Heartburn!

In a recent blog post (now I will have to go back and check) I stated that I had been having horrible heartburn. On my worst days even peanut butter and water would give me heartburn, which made trying to figure out what to have for the other meals a tad difficult.

I decided that I finally had enough trying to deal with it on my own so I made an appointment to see a GI doctor. The GI’s office called and apparently I had already seen one of their doctors for when I had gallbladder issues. So they booked an upper endoscopy for me at the beginning of January.

It had been a while since I’ve had to spend time in the hospital so naturally I was nervous as hell. I started crying when they went to put in my IV. If I have to have anything medical done I cry. I hate it and you would think I would be used to it after all these years dealing with my Lupus. My mom once made the comment that perhaps the reason for me being hysterical is that I had to do all this testing when I was just a kid/young adult and it somewhat scarred me. I think she is right.

Later, I awoke in my room and asked the nurses what they found. I was told that I have Gastroparesis which meant my stomach was not working correctly by not completely emptying. They changed my heartburn meds and told my mom (since I was coming off the drugs) to call the office if things didn’t change.

I was told nothing else so I had to do some online research, which is ironic because normally doctors do NOT want the patient to do that. Suddenly things began to make sense. I had been experiencing some of the symptoms (nausea, the constant feeling of being full, no appetite, and heartburn) but I just thought it was my Lupus.

The new medication had helped the first month or so but now I am starting to get really bad heartburn again. It looks like a diet change is in order, which should be interesting because I am already a finicky eater.

*Thanks to http://www.mommiesquietplace.com for use of picture

Because… Flowers!

I have been away for quite some time as some of you may have noticed. I’m hoping to post again soon to explain what is new. As I look out my large living room window, I see snow zooming across. It’s somewhat blizzard conditions today so I figured I would post some flower pics to remind myself that Spring should be here soon. They are from a birthday bouquet but that is besides the point. It’s flowers!

F*cking Fibro

Since I normally have insomnia, I love sleep. I love bedtime. I know to enjoy it when I get sleep because there is a good chance that I won’t get any the next night. However the last two to three months, I have hated sleep because my whole backside ends up in such pain every night. I wake up with a headache EVERY morning and the intense pain radiates down my neck and continues all the way down my back.

At first I thought it might be my new mattress, but it was past the return date so I couldn’t bring it back. I did some more thinking and also thought it could be my Fibromyalgia. I know talking with one of my aunts that she no longer sleeps in a bed because of her Fibro pain.

I decided to experiment one night and slept on my new couch, which mind you, is a comfy couch during the day. I found when I woke up, I had the same familiar pain. So I know it is my Fibro. This is the first time I have had issues from my Fibro and sleeping. After talking to a friend that also has Fibro, she mentioned she has dealt with the same issue and a zero gravity chair works great. So until I can save for a zero gravity chair to sleep in, I need to figure out something else.

On Monday I saw my family doctor and we decided it would be best to up one of my doses instead of adding another new pill to the mix that I already take. It should be at least a couple days before I can tell if the extra pill is working or not. So now I wait…

Three in one day, lucky you!

I’m not sure the last time I posted three times in one day, or if it has ever been done by me. Luuuuuuuucky you!! 🙂

I still have been spending an obnoxious amount of time coloring in my free time. I happened to look at some of the books I colored some time ago, and got a warm, and fuzzy feeling seeing that I have improved. My shading has gotten better as well as coloring hair, yet I still struggle with those two areas.

Benelli is doing well and will be turning one at the end of this month. If it’s not too humid and hot out, I try and take him to the dog park to get used to other dogs. Buuuuut, he is a chicken and just drops to the ground to submit. Haha! Maybe one of these days he will surprise me and play with a dog.

He is still very naughty…

But I still love him!

Impatiently waiting…