What If?

I dated a guy in my early 20’s. I will call this guy, CCC. We had such chemistry. He was an amazing kisser, I could get lost in his kisses. He was good at everything he did. I often felt intimidated by his knowledge of any subject. He was a majorly into BMX, and was a big kid. So he knew how to have fun and how to get me to smile when I didn’t want to. Out of all my boyfriends, he was the one I felt most comfortable with. I knew he wouldn’t judge me. He made me aware of my biggest issue I have in relationships and I will always be thankful he told me and doing so in a respectful way.

We dated for a few months before I decided to break things off. I thought I knew what I wanted & how the world worked. After the breakup we would basically act as though we were together off & on, but without the title of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” CCC had no problem being a FWB (friends with benefits) when I needed one. Only he did have a problem with it and didn’t tell me. Learning about it ten years after the fact and I struggle with guilt that I should have picked up on his actions that showed that he cared.

Fast forward to earlier this month and as some of you know, old habits die hard. Only this time it was only FWB. Anyway, I came clean that I still cared about him even though I had been trying to tell myself that I didn’t. I would tell myself, “He’s not the same person as back then. He’s a different person now. The person I loved is no longer there.” Of course I sobbed while I told him and looked like a hot mess.

I waited about a week after my melt down before I tried sending CCC a message on Snapchat. But the message wouldn’t go through. It kept coming up as an error. I knew at that moment he deleted/blocked me. I didn’t bother texting him as he pulled this stunt one other time. (which was kinda my fault because I told him I was making a character in my novel and based it off him. So yeah, kinda creeper-ish on my part.). He didn’t talk to me for a year.

I can’t be just friends with him, I will always want something more. I do not like wondering “what if” so will take the chance and say something. But I no longer need to wonder “what if” with him. I already know.

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Poet In Training

Recently I have been writing, but not what I normally write. For some odd reason I have switched to writing poems, or at least, trying to anyway. I am not sure on the sudden shift but I am just going to go with it. Here is a little poem I wrote and am finally putting out in the world. Thanks to my sister for being my beta reader. 🙂

*Thanks to pixabay for use of photo

poem

Darn Heartburn!

In a recent blog post (now I will have to go back and check) I stated that I had been having horrible heartburn. On my worst days even peanut butter and water would give me heartburn, which made trying to figure out what to have for the other meals a tad difficult.

I decided that I finally had enough trying to deal with it on my own so I made an appointment to see a GI doctor. The GI’s office called and apparently I had already seen one of their doctors for when I had gallbladder issues. So they booked an upper endoscopy for me at the beginning of January.

It had been a while since I’ve had to spend time in the hospital so naturally I was nervous as hell. I started crying when they went to put in my IV. If I have to have anything medical done I cry. I hate it and you would think I would be used to it after all these years dealing with my Lupus. My mom once made the comment that perhaps the reason for me being hysterical is that I had to do all this testing when I was just a kid/young adult and it somewhat scarred me. I think she is right.

Later, I awoke in my room and asked the nurses what they found. I was told that I have Gastroparesis which meant my stomach was not working correctly by not completely emptying. They changed my heartburn meds and told my mom (since I was coming off the drugs) to call the office if things didn’t change.

I was told nothing else so I had to do some online research, which is ironic because normally doctors do NOT want the patient to do that. Suddenly things began to make sense. I had been experiencing some of the symptoms (nausea, the constant feeling of being full, no appetite, and heartburn) but I just thought it was my Lupus.

The new medication had helped the first month or so but now I am starting to get really bad heartburn again. It looks like a diet change is in order, which should be interesting because I am already a finicky eater.

*Thanks to http://www.mommiesquietplace.com for use of picture

Because… Flowers!

I have been away for quite some time as some of you may have noticed. I’m hoping to post again soon to explain what is new. As I look out my large living room window, I see snow zooming across. It’s somewhat blizzard conditions today so I figured I would post some flower pics to remind myself that Spring should be here soon. They are from a birthday bouquet but that is besides the point. It’s flowers!

F*cking Fibro

Since I normally have insomnia, I love sleep. I love bedtime. I know to enjoy it when I get sleep because there is a good chance that I won’t get any the next night. However the last two to three months, I have hated sleep because my whole backside ends up in such pain every night. I wake up with a headache EVERY morning and the intense pain radiates down my neck and continues all the way down my back.

At first I thought it might be my new mattress, but it was past the return date so I couldn’t bring it back. I did some more thinking and also thought it could be my Fibromyalgia. I know talking with one of my aunts that she no longer sleeps in a bed because of her Fibro pain.

I decided to experiment one night and slept on my new couch, which mind you, is a comfy couch during the day. I found when I woke up, I had the same familiar pain. So I know it is my Fibro. This is the first time I have had issues from my Fibro and sleeping. After talking to a friend that also has Fibro, she mentioned she has dealt with the same issue and a zero gravity chair works great. So until I can save for a zero gravity chair to sleep in, I need to figure out something else.

On Monday I saw my family doctor and we decided it would be best to up one of my doses instead of adding another new pill to the mix that I already take. It should be at least a couple days before I can tell if the extra pill is working or not. So now I wait…

Three in one day, lucky you!

I’m not sure the last time I posted three times in one day, or if it has ever been done by me. Luuuuuuuucky you!! 🙂

I still have been spending an obnoxious amount of time coloring in my free time. I happened to look at some of the books I colored some time ago, and got a warm, and fuzzy feeling seeing that I have improved. My shading has gotten better as well as coloring hair, yet I still struggle with those two areas.

Benelli is doing well and will be turning one at the end of this month. If it’s not too humid and hot out, I try and take him to the dog park to get used to other dogs. Buuuuut, he is a chicken and just drops to the ground to submit. Haha! Maybe one of these days he will surprise me and play with a dog.

He is still very naughty…

But I still love him!