So mentally I am feeling better. I figure if my friends don’t want to be in my life, then I will just find some friends that care. Although it is somewhat difficult to do if you never go out and socialize. Ha! Most of the time I don’t feel well to go out. There are a couple writing groups that have had meet ups, but it’s usually only once a month and I tend to have more bad days than good in a month’s time. I will still try to go to future ones though, I’m not giving up.
At the beginning of the month my mom and I went to a showing of Cirque Du Soleil. I have never been to one before and it was BRILLIANT! Seriously, if you have the chance, GO. It is totally worth the money. Going to that with my mom really helped me get out of my depressed/negative funk.
Now how I feel physically is a different story. My Lupus is in a flare and has been mean to my stomach all of last week, making it feel nauseated and acidic. My fatigue has been horrible. I get about 12 hours at night then usually can’t stay awake during the day so I take a nap on top of the 12 hours. No, I’m not getting “too much” sleep. I listen to my body. Besides, with Storm wanting to go outside every 3-4 hours, I don’t have a chance. My Fibro areas have been painful and my Lupus has been making my joints ache. I know it will be fine though, the flare just needs to run its course.
Lately I have been obsessed with a book series about a demon chic that kicks ass! 🙂 The author is Pippa DaCosta and the first in the series is called Beyond the Veil. Seriously, it’s been ridiculous. It’s the only thing I do during the day and as soon as I finish one, I immediately go online and purchase the next in the series. It has been quite some time since an author has grabbed my attention like that. But it is possible that I can’t stop reading her books because I haven’t read any other demon series/books. I’m not sure if men would like it as it has some romance. But check it out! The prequel is a bit darker than the rest of the series, but the first in the series is currently free on Amazon. And that is how I became hooked. 🙂
I had a couple ‘snaps’ from Snapchat that I thought you guys might like. Here is one but I will make another post for a few more. I hope you guys are doing well and I will try to visit some of your blogs as I know I am behind! 🙂
Holidays (mostly Christmas) can be very depressing for someone with a chronic illness, especially if they do not have a significant other. It could be that that person is not able to partake in festivities due to how shitty they feel. Another reason may be because they are on disability income and cannot afford gifts for the important people in their lives. Yes, it’s not about gifts, but it’s about being with family and friends. However it’s hard to keep that thought as everyone around you are opening gifts. And TV sure as hell doesn’t help. Every other commercial is about gifts, and what you are getting your loved one. Because more than ever, you want to be watching the surprise and happiness on their face when they open the gift from you.
These last few weeks I have been in a downward spiral with my depression. I am trying things and skills I learned in therapy to try and get back in the right mindset but nothing is working. I feel completely alone and lonely. It’s been a long time since I have cried this much. A factor that doesn’t help is I feel my close friends have not been there for me during this difficult time. A support group/circle is very critical to someone with a chronic illness (even for a normal person). Bless my mom for her support and putting up with my depressing texts, I would be worse off if she were not in my life. I have thought about contacting my therapist but I keep telling myself that I will soon feel better and back to my old self (and actually believe it) so there is no need to. But that hasn’t really been working either…
This is where my therapy skills that I learned kicks in: The negative thoughts (I thought about putting “voices,” then decided against it haha) are saying that my friends don’t care about me (I have voiced my opinion to them that holidays are depressing but they haven’t bothered to check on me.). But my therapy skills say, ‘let’s list reasons why they are unavailable and then choose a more realistic reason why they aren’t there for me: Do they have kids? A job? Significant other? Health problems? So every time I think a negative thought, I counteract it with a positive or realistic thought. But it’s not sticking. 😦 And I realize that everyone has a life so they will be busy and that’s why I don’t hear from them. But my depression makes me focus on only ME and nothing else. Why things aren’t working out for ME. Me, me, me. I’m not dismissing that depression is fake, it is very much real. When I find out my friends are not happy or sick, I try to contact them right away to see if things are okay. But I feel that they don’t do it in return. Don’t I deserve to feel loved? 😦
Hey everyone, sorry you haven’t heard/seen me lately. I forgot how much my Fibromyalgia hates winter and cold. I was in more pain than normal all of last month. I went through some of your blog posts but that was all you were going to get from me. Haha! Around Thanksgiving I had a bitch of a migraine that wouldn’t disappear. Finally on the 5th straight day, I knew I had to go in and ask for something different/stronger than my Percocet. My sister, M, was kind enough to pick me up and take me to acute care so I could get a shot at the top of my butt. 🙂 It had been quite some time since I had to get a pain shot and whewwww it burned. Now, I am mostly feeling better.
And naturally, if it’s not me having health issues it’s Storm. Yes, she is still having issues with her leg and it started to swell up again. Either she opened her old wound or it burst open on its own. I have her blood/fluids on my floors, furniture and blankets because it is slowly draining. I’m impatiently waiting for her wound to heal so I can start deep cleaning. On Monday, I take her in to get an x-ray to see if that will show anything unusual. Sigh…this damn dog is getting to be too expensive for someone on just a Social Security income. 😦
Thankfully, I no longer have a dating life so I am able to take care of Storm and myself. I really hate the dating life. The guy I really liked saw me for a few more weeks. One night we had a REALLY great night at my place. His wall finally came down a little. I found out he loves peanut butter too so we talked about it for about five straight minutes. What started our convo was that he asked if I had something to munch on and I showed him my box of peanut butter and chocolate chip granola bars. He said he was going to eat the whole box and I thought he was joking so I said that it was fine. He ended up eating the whole box! It was a brand new box! Haha! We were cuddling on the couch and it had been almost three weeks since seeing him last so I said I had missed him and he said he missed me too. Shortly after he took off so I could sleep. I texted him the next day and I got no response. I texted him the day after and the day after that. Nothing. Okay buddy, I can take a hint. I don’t want to assume but I think maybe he got the feels for me and that scared him. I don’t find it a coincidence that I express my feelings by saying that I missed him and him disappearing after that night.
I decided to meet up with another guy to see how that went. We started to watch a movie and he didn’t waste any time in pulling me in to cuddle. Red flag! I thought that I would see how it went it a little longer. He asked me if I wanted to know anything else about him and I mentioned that I couldn’t think of anything at that time. He said that he wanted to know something else about me so I asked what he wanted to know. He said, “I want to know if you are a good kisser.” I giggled, he was being so corny. So I thought, sure what the hell, and we started making out. Um, wow… Within minutes, the bottom half of my whole face was covered with his slobber. After an agonizing amount of time, I finally had to pull away and casually wipe my face.
I thought maybe I could try again but try to stay in charge and show him how to kiss me. I moved closer annnnnnnnd he stuck his tongue out in between his lips… Bahahahaha! He didn’t try put his tongue back in, he just sat there like that. HOW DO YOU EVEN RESPOND TO THAT?!?! I would lean in like I was going to kiss him, but even then he wouldn’t pull it back in so I would awkwardly pull away. I tried a couple times yet nothing changed, so I just gave up and acted like I wanted to cuddle. Haha. He decided to give me a hickey on my neck. What the hell?!?! Are we back in high school?!?! And holy hell it HURT. It hurt so much that I could only grit my teeth in pain and not think about speaking up. Sure enough it was deep purple and hurt for a couple days after. *Shivers* It was such a bad date. He was a “one and done.” Soon after that, I deleted my profile on POF.
I normally don’t write book reviews on here but felt I needed to get the word out about a recent one that I finished. Mostly because it has to do with being ill/sick and I know some Spoonies/Lupies follow me. The book I am talking about is called, How to be Sick by Toni Bernhard.
As pictured, I bought the paperback version but you can also purchase this book as an e-book or Audiobook. I like to get my “nerd” on and highlight things to remember, and sometimes an electronic highlighter just doesn’t cut it (I love office supplies!). 🙂
I am pretty much making this my sickness Bible. Toni offers a great amount of examples which helps the reader think of ways they can apply it to their lives. And if you are a Byron Katie fan, Toni mentions her and includes some of her quotes.
Here is a list of the chapters to give you a better example of what you will be reading.
Getting sick – A romantic trip to Paris
Staying sick – This can’t be happening to me
The Buddha tells it like it is
The Universal Law of Impermanence
Who is sick?
Finding joy in the life you can no longer lead
Soothing the body, mind and heart
Using compassion to alleviate your suffering
Facing the ups and downs of chronic illness with equanimity
Getting off the wheel of suffering
Tonglen – Spinning straw into gold
With our thoughts we make the world
Healing the mind by living in the present moment
What to do when (it seems) you can’t do anything
Communicating with care
The struggle to find community in isolation
As the last chapter finishes, the author has a guide to help with specific challenges (I loved this part!!). A couple challenges include: Blaming yourself for being sick, feeling ignored by family and friends, and suffering due to uncertainty about the future.
I want to thank my cousin, Rebecca, for recommending this book. And of course, I would like to thank the author for writing it. 🙂 The author has two other books for sale, How to Wake Up and How to Live Well. I currently have How to Live Well on my bookshelf and can’t wait to start it! 🙂
It’s still a surprise for me to discover that I’m a blogger. I never meant to be. It came about by accident. Six years ago Don and I were about to embark on a six-week journey to the Cook Islands, Australia, and Vietnam. I belong to an online forum for fans of figure skating. My forum friends encouraged me to share our adventure on the forum in the non-skating section. Without this invitation I never would have thought of documenting our journey other than with a few photographs.
I’m still not entirely comfortable with labeling myself as a blogger. This stems largely from a perception, which may or not be accurate, that most people don’t take blogging seriously. I suppose I don’t like being seen as a dilettante, even though I may be one. I’d like the occupation of blogging to be acknowledged as worthwhile even when there’s no financial…