I can’t remember how I recently found these, but when Storm was young, there was a business doing professional photos for about 15 minutes for 20 bucks. The funds raised was going to be donated to a dog rescue. I’m so thankful I decided to do it and after years of moving, I can’t find the physical pictures that I paid extra for. 😦 But somehow, I found these somewhere. These are the digital pictures and I have not edited them in any way. Copyright Festive Studios in Sioux Falls, SD.
The first few weeks of Storm’s absence was extremely difficult. It had been a while since something (or someone) that close to me had passed away. Some of my grandparents have passed but I wasn’t super close to them. This may have been my first real big death. And it SUCKS. It blows goats. But, as people have mentioned to me, it gets a little better with time. I know that I am certainly in a better state of mind than a month ago. I can actually talk about her now. I may be crying, but at least I can talk about her where before I just couldn’t do it. In fact, it is positive I will be crying because there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry about her.
I have been spending a lot of time by myself in my home. Yes, yes I know that isn’t healthy for me blah blah blah. But I haven’t been just curled up in a ball watching t.v., I either read or color. Definitely more of coloring.
And when my mind is thinking too much I turn to reading as I am then whisked away somewhere else while being someone else. Last week, my sister asked if I could start helping her out by picking up one of my youngest nephews from school, take him home and watching him for about an hour and half. Something again about me needing to get out of my house. I don’t want to but I know she would help me in a heartbeat so I said I would a couple days a week. So I started this week and have been ill every day so far. Haha! I swear it hasn’t been intentional! 🙂
I wanted to have something with me everyday with Storm’s ashes so I pulled up Amazon on my phone. I picked out a necklace, that also doubles as a key chain. The ratings were good with a price of only $10.99. It’s pretty heavy! I like it though. 🙂 A couple of my cousins are getting me something, but I will have to post a picture once I get it.
I must admit that I have already started to look at other dogs and pets. It seems a bit early, especially with how close I was to Storm. I think having something else to focus on, will help me focus on her less. I also think Storm’s whole leg issues made me be aware that she might not have much more time with me. So maybe my grieving started early?? There were quite a few times that I not only thought she was going to die but was questioning if I should put her to sleep. Those last four to five months were literally hell for us. And as much as I loathe that she is not here, I know she is in a better place now.
At 3:06 p.m. I hear the vet in the background say, “Her heart has stopped.”
Then my heart stops for only a moment and I begin to sob in the back of Storm’s neck. I faintly hear the vet tech and my sister, Melissa, make a mold of Storm’s paw to have as a keepsake. As the vet tech leaves, she says very gently that I can take as much time as I need. I wait a couple moments then ask Melissa to give me some time with Storm alone. She leaves and I began to start sobbing all over again while embracing her body in a hug on the floor. I cry and cry until her body begins to start turning cold. That realization makes me cry harder because she always gave off so much heat, she was like my little heater.
Not much long after, I decided that I should get my sister in the waiting room and leave. September 1st will no longer be just a “normal” day for me.
It feels like I am in a dream, that she really isn’t gone and I desperately need to wake up. Everywhere I look in my townhouse I see her, or where she should be. In everything I do I see her, or should see her watching me.
That first night was unbearable without her. I miss her down by my feet then when I finally turn off my lamp, she lays next to my chest. I miss only having 1/4th of a bed to sleep on. I miss her waking me in the middle of the night to be let under the covers so she can cuddle my legs to get warm.
The next day I try doing some socializing at my mom’s, then go home to find out that coming home to an empty house is heart-wrenching. It makes me no longer to want to leave my place ever again.
I’m not sure about the future of this blog. I mean, I mostly made it to talk about Storm (plus other dogs). I suppose I can still write about my Lupus…
Writing has always been therapeutic for me. The next few posts will be about her and why I had to do what I did. Some may be sappy posts of pics of her and why I miss her so much. I just need to get it out instead of keeping it all in my head.
Note: I need to thank my sister for going with me. She doesn’t do well with death (not that anyone really does well with it), yet she went for me. Not only did she go, but she stayed in the room with me so I didn’t have to do this alone. That is huge for her and I have to give her mad props for that. Thank you, seester. I love you.
So lately I have become addicted to something. It steals my time used for writing, reading, coloring, and chores. It’s a damn phone game! I haven’t been this obsessed about playing games since middle school! It’s called Simon’s Cat (yes, the cartoon). And I THINK it is a lot like Candy Crush and I emphasize the word ‘think’ because I have never played Candy Crush. The goal is to feed Simon and his friends as many colored treats with only a certain amount of chances. How could I not love a game where I feed a cat a treat?!? And I need to stop playing because I keep spending money on it to purchase more lives or tricks to defeat the villains. Oh yeah and because I have things to get done around my house. Hahaha.
Things with Storm are going pretty well. I was worried she was getting infections because she kept getting holes where her incision site was. It was VERY stressful on me. So stressful that I considered putting her down. But it was also stressful on Storm as she would get a fever before it would happen, so she wouldn’t be acting like herself, would be laying around more often, etc. I finally was able to get her into the vet’s while she had a hole still open (after a couple days the hole would heal and completely close). The vet looked at it and said it wasn’t an infection, but it was her body trying to rebuild granulated tissue. My understanding of granulated tissue is that it’s like scar tissue in a way, but it builds layer upon layer of new tissue where there is a gap. It’s a bit annoying because when the site opens, blood and fluid come out a few times for a few days (i.e. Mom has to do a lot of laundry because blankets are now over every piece of furniture). But every time it looks better and the holes are smaller. So unfortunately Storm still has to wear the Cone of Shame time from time.
Took my nephew and Storm on a car ride. My nephew is quite the character… Well, so is Storm but you all knew that. 🙂
Last Saturday, I went to support my gay family and friends and went to our city’s Pride festival. This was the first time attending and I didn’t know anyone there. Normally, if I don’t have someone to go with somewhere, I just won’t go. Yes, I give up my chance of having fun or living LIFE just because I don’t want to go alone. And I know that I am not the only person like this. *cough* introverts *cough* But I’ve had enough of missing things just because I am… Hmmm I don’t know, scared? Intimidated? Care about what people think of me being there alone? My mother often goes to movies alone, I have always admired her for that. It is something I need to do sometime because there are tons of movies that I have wanted to see but never had anyone to go with sooooo I missed the chance of seeing them on the big screen.
So going to this festival alone was HUGE for me as it is the first thing I have done alone (I think). Technically I guess I wasn’t alone, I brought Storm. But having her with me gave me the courage to get out of my house and go. Even though I brought her with, I am still proud of myself and had to give myself a pat on the back (by posting it ha!).
I ended up staying for a couple hours, which surprised me. But how could I leave when the main theme is about love? Oh! And how could I leave when everyone was adoring and gushing over Storm? I can’t help it, I’m a proud mama. I like to show her off. 🙂