Why??

I think the question you are wanting to ask me of the reason Storm was put down is “Why? Your other post mentioned she had some issues but that was part of the healing process.” I have more than one reason but it was mainly because it seemed the same thing was happening to her other paws.

One of her front paws
Her (only) back paw

 

To say it was a difficult decision to make is such an understatement. I have talked to my mom about this subject several times knowing what I should probably do, making the choice, but then not actually going through with it.

I kept hoping (and wishing) that she would finally get a break. I kept thinking that this would be the last problem–at least for some time. But that wasn’t the case.

Storm and I (mostly Storm) had been through hell from April to the beginning of this month. I honestly don’t know how I got through it all. The help of my mom and my sister kept me sane on the really scary parts. But overall it has taken a toll on me mentally. I am dumbfounded how it hasn’t started a shit storm with my Lupus and affected me physically. I think even though these last few months have sucked, it has brought me closer to my mom and sister.  These last few months I have seen just how much they love me. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

Although painful at times, love is a wonderful thing.

 

 

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You Can Rest Now, My Baby

At 3:06 p.m. I hear the vet in the background say, “Her heart has stopped.”

Then my heart stops for only a moment and I begin to sob in the back of Storm’s neck. I faintly hear the vet tech and my sister, Melissa, make a mold of Storm’s paw to have as a keepsake. As the vet tech leaves, she says very gently that I can take as much time as I need. I wait a couple moments then ask Melissa to give me some time with Storm alone. She leaves and I began to start sobbing all over again while embracing her body in a hug on the floor. I cry and cry until her body begins to start turning cold. That realization makes me cry harder because she always gave off so much heat, she was like my little heater.

Not much long after, I decided that I should get my sister in the waiting room and leave. September 1st will no longer be just a “normal” day for me.

It feels like I am in a dream, that she really isn’t gone and I desperately need to wake up. Everywhere I look in my townhouse I see her, or where she should be. In everything I do I see her, or should see her watching me.

That first night was unbearable without her. I miss her down by my feet then when I finally turn off my lamp, she lays next to my chest. I miss only having 1/4th of a bed to sleep on. I miss her waking me in the middle of the night to be let under the covers so she can cuddle my legs to get warm.

The next day I try doing some socializing at my mom’s, then go home to find out that coming home to an empty house is heart-wrenching. It makes me no longer to want to leave my place ever again.

I’m not sure about the future of this blog. I mean, I mostly made it to talk about Storm (plus other dogs). I suppose I can still write about my Lupus…

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. The next few posts will be about her and why I had to do what I did. Some may be sappy posts of pics of her and why I miss her so much. I just need to get it out instead of keeping it all in my head.

On the way for the last meal, Cheeseburger and ice cream.

Last play with my nephew, Kyan.

Waiting for her sedatives to work. Stubborn yet lovable bulldog! They had to give it to her twice because she kept fighting it.

 

Note: I need to thank my sister for going with me. She doesn’t do well with death (not that anyone really does well with it), yet she went for me. Not only did she go, but she stayed in the room with me so I didn’t have to do this alone. That is huge for her and I have to give her mad props for that. Thank you, seester. I love you.

Still Healing

So lately I have become addicted to something. It steals my time used for writing, reading, coloring, and chores. It’s a damn phone game! I haven’t been this obsessed about playing games since middle school! It’s called Simon’s Cat (yes, the cartoon). And I THINK it is a lot like Candy Crush and I emphasize the word ‘think’ because I have never played Candy Crush. The goal is to feed Simon and his friends as many colored treats with only a certain amount of chances. How could I not love a game where I feed a cat a treat?!? And I need to stop playing because I keep spending money on it to purchase more lives or tricks to defeat the villains. Oh yeah and because I have things to get done around my house. Hahaha.

Things with Storm are going pretty well. I was worried she was getting infections because she kept getting holes where her incision site was. It was VERY stressful on me. So stressful that I considered putting her down. But it was also stressful on Storm as she would get a fever before it would happen, so she wouldn’t be acting like herself, would be laying around more often, etc. I finally was able to get her into the vet’s while she had a hole still open (after a couple days the hole would heal and completely close). The vet looked at it and said it wasn’t an infection, but it was her body trying to rebuild granulated tissue. My understanding of granulated tissue is that it’s like scar tissue in a way, but it builds layer upon layer of new tissue where there is a gap. It’s a bit annoying because when the site opens, blood and fluid come out a few times for a few days (i.e. Mom has to do a lot of laundry because blankets are now over every piece of furniture). But every time it looks better and the holes are smaller. So unfortunately Storm still has to wear the Cone of Shame time from time.

 

 

Pride Festival 2017

Last Saturday, I went to support my gay family and friends and went to our city’s Pride festival. This was the first time attending and I didn’t know anyone there. Normally, if I don’t have someone to go with somewhere, I just won’t go. Yes, I give up my chance of having fun or living LIFE just because I don’t want to go alone. And I know that I am not the only person like this. *cough* introverts *cough* But I’ve had enough of missing things just because I am… Hmmm I don’t know, scared? Intimidated? Care about what people think of me being there alone? My mother often goes to movies alone, I have always admired her for that. It is something I need to do sometime because there are tons of movies that I have wanted to see but never had anyone to go with sooooo I missed the chance of seeing them on the big screen.

So going to this festival alone was HUGE for me as it is the first thing I have done alone (I think). Technically I guess I wasn’t alone, I brought Storm. But having her with me gave me the courage to get out of my house and go. Even though I brought her with, I am still proud of myself and had to give myself a pat on the back (by posting it ha!).

I ended up staying for a couple hours, which surprised me. But how could I leave when the main theme is about love? Oh! And how could I leave when everyone was adoring and gushing over Storm? I can’t help it, I’m a proud mama. I like to show her off. 🙂

The most badass roller derby chic that I’ve ever seen! Hahaha!

 

Finally Healing!

Things with Storm are looking up! I am so relieved!

20170510_203357

Doesn’t it look great?!? It looks amazing compared to the other pics that I had posted! Ironically, when I took this shot a week or so ago, it looked like she was getting an infection again. I had seen her lick the site but I had no idea she was that obsessed with it. So, she is back on her antibiotic and the cone is on when I’m not next to her.

Things are going well with Storm learning how to be a tri-pawed. I haven’t taken her on a long walk yet but plan to soon. But her back leg is getting buff! 🙂 She is able to race up the stairs now and she can get up in a fluid motion from where she is laying down.

Snapchat-1408501527-01

Snapchat-1402960484-01

I’m happy that she is still the same silly dog. 🙂

A Nightmare

*Viewer discretion: Not for the faint-hearted*

Wow… I should have knocked on wood after I finished my last post. Storm’s leg condition spiraled downward fast and started to affect the hair/skin past her foot. Her foot became so bloody which left my house bloody. Blah!

 

My sister saw Storm’s condition and was going to make me bring her into the vet’s on the day I wrote my last post. She was even going to pay for the bill herself. I didn’t make an appointment at first but then decided to take her up on her offer and bring Storm in on the next day.

I brought Storm in around 2:00 and she was all smiles to the vet techs, while she had blood dripping down her foot. They took a sample from her foot wound and went to check it. My vet came back into the room and told me her foot was dead. “There is no blood flowing in her foot,” he told me making sure I understood what he meant. I had a suspicion that he would say something along those lines. I held it together while talking to him about what to do next. He mentioned the foot had to come off as it is useless and to try and stop the infection from spreading. I asked him a few more questioned and said that I needed to take the time to see if my mom would let me borrow some money. I also had to think about where I would want them to cut, at her knee or hip. It was just so much to take in…

Seeing the foot was dead, I asked if there was any reason to keep the cone still on her. He said no but to maybe wrap her foot in a sock or something to help with the blood getting everywhere at home.

As soon as I left I realized I needed someone to talk to, but it was in the middle of the day and everyone was still working. I tried calling my dad but after a miscommunication on my part he called right back. I told him Storm’s foot was dead and immediately began sobbing. I told him that I knew it was just a foot but it still had a huge impact on me. He understood and sat on the phone with me for a bit as I released all my sadness and frustration. We got off the phone and I realized my mom had just gotten off work so I called her and told her the news as well.

I came home and decided to wrap her foot so she didn’t have to wear that annoying collar anymore. I had leftover gauze and wrap from the night before when I tried wrapping it. I soon found out that I didn’t have enough of each and only half of her foot was wrapped. I quickly ran to Walmart to pick up the items and went right back home.

I opened my door and I saw blood all over the floor. Blood all over my love seat. Blood all over her foot—-no, wait. The blood was from inside her foot. She ate half of her foot.

I slowly came inside while creeping her way. She had blood smeared over the side of her face. I remember saying “no” and “Storm” over and over again. She didn’t seem fazed, she just watched me. I called my mom and with difficulty told her she needed to come over ASAP, that I needed help. My mom came inside and had a hard time with the scene as well. She told me to call the vet so we could bring her back in. We wrapped her stump with a couple kitchen towels and seeing that I was in no shape to drive, my mom drove us to the vet.

While originally talking to my dad about where to amputate, he mentioned a couple of points that helped me to make the decision of amputating her leg at the hip. We were told that she would have emergency surgery the next day.

 

I am stopping this post for now as I am sure it is quite a bit to take in for my loyal readers. This story doesn’t stop at this point though, sadly it continues and I will write another post hopefully soon.