Old sdloopy posts – Another Fun Filled Lupus Day


Another Fun Filled Lupus Day

Yesterday was another day of battling my Lupus flare. It was somewhat manageable in the morning as I helped clean my sister’s place. I was doing ok but not after too long, the fatigue and pain had let me know they were here to stay for the day. Soon, each individual step was hard to take. I plopped down on the couch and let my head fall back. I have completely no energy. Even the easiest task of keeping my head up was exhausting. I mentally debated if I should go to my friend’s wedding reception that night. This would be my third wedding missed in a row due to my Lupus.

I wish for a cloudy, stormy day. This heat and sun only make me feel worse. Which is ironic because it is usually opposite for everyone else.

Storm looks at me with her big, brown, puppy-dog eyes, asking if I will play just one more time. But she already knows the answer. I get on the floor to lay down, curling up next to her and try to take a nap. It’s funny how as child, that is the last thing you want to do but once you’re an adult, you want to take them all the time. Well, it’s that way for me anyway. The nap is a failure and I become agitated.

I called my mom to vent and began to cry (while making a mental note to see my therapist next week). I cant decide if I should put myself through the extra pain and exhaustion for the reception. I feel guilty and feel like a bad friend.

“I’m sure they understand,” she stated. Which made me think, ‘But do they really?’

She helps me see past some of the denial and I now see (and know) that I should stay home and take care of myself.

I start wondering what I will have for supper. The only thing I am craving is a turkey sub from Mr. Goodcents but I have no idea how I will get one. My small meal isn’t worth having them deliver it to me. I start to ponder if I could ask Mel to go or if she would even go for me. I throw that idea out the window and begin to start talking to myself, pointing out that the trip would only take a couple of minutes.

Motivating myself does not work which means cooking something is clear out of the picture. I realize I need to figure something out since I never had any lunch. So, I open a can of fruit cocktail and wait for tomorrow to enjoy a meal.

I haven’t lost all hope that I have to miss the reception and try to nap a second time. And I finally fell asleep! I still have my symptoms but they seem to be giving me a break. E comes to pick me up and we go to the reception, or so I thought.

We arrive at the Japanese Gardens and listen to its’ silence. We expected to hear music, people talking, and laughter so we figure it must be further into the garden. We walked all around and didn’t find anyone. I texted the groom where the reception was but didn’t think he would reply. But I tried just in case. E brings me back to my temporary home, at my sister’s, and we spend the rest of the night listening to E tell high school stories.

When getting ready for bed after E left, I noticed a text from the groom. By this time I knew there was no possible way to make it while trying to stay awake and driving at the same time (sorry Shane!!).

I have to learn to stop trying to please everyone and take care of myself first. I need to realize on my bad days, not to keep pushing myself and stop being such an overachiever.

Sometimes in the back of my head I wonder if I have “fully” accepted my Lupus, or just think I have…


Old sdloopy posts – Busy busy busy

Oct 24, 2007

Busy busy busy

It has been awhile since I have written a blog regarding my life. So I thought I would blabber and possibly whine about what is going on in my life. The lack of blogs has been due to life events that have been keeping me fairly busy. I’m not trying to avoid my friends, unfortunately that’s just the way my life has to be right now.

At the beginning of September I finally moved out of my parent’s house. I am living with two very much bachelors. Yet, I am glad I am living with guys instead of gals. Granted dishes get piled in the sink and the garbage overflows with trash but I don’t have to worry about them stealing my clothes. Not to mention when girls are pissed at each other they find ways to get back at each other. Guys will just tell you straight up what your problem is. Or maybe I haven’t pissed off my roommates enough to know if they find ways to get back to you… My guys are very laid back and very open about things. So open I am beginning to think they consider me “one of the guys.” Which is good but can have its disadvantages. I think I am learning more about men than what I knew before. I am quite happy with my guys. They were very welcoming when I moved in. And they look out for me, I appreciate that.

One thing holding me back from moving out of my parents was lack of funds. To help with that subject I started a second job at Sanford. I never knew Sanford had a call center before I started working in it. My job duty is basically page doctors. Not too hard. With any life experience, there are lessons to be learned. This job can be a bit of a challenge as the shifts end at 10:30 pm. And if any of you know me, you know that I am in bed by that time. Another challenge is the strain it puts on my lupus. Extra stress causes my lupus to go into a flare (which is never fun). With working more hours I become more fatigued which means I don’t have much of a social life anymore. I miss my friends… I don’t think my friends understand that it is not that I do not want to see them; I just can’t physically do it.

I’m not sure how long I will have this second job. I suppose for however long I’m at the bank since the pay is crap. I hate to leave the bank though because I like my job. I actually enjoy going to work in the morning. I’m stuck because it’s hard to leave where I like to be, yet I need to get somewhere in life. Right now I am just “getting by” with two jobs. For now I will keep the second job but keep my eyes open.

I decided to get a new bedroom set. I figure I’m at a new place, have a new life, and so I should get new furniture. I had my old bedroom set for about 10 years. I had it all the way through high school and college. I thought I deserved new furniture and just looking at my old stuff reminded me of being a child. My new set is a little costly but I plan on keeping it for many years and getting my money’s worth. I am used to a plain mattress but decided on getting a pillow top mattress. It’s WONDERFUL! And I bought a down blanket. Not the real comforter but the cheaper one. I have wanted one for so many years. The only pillows I sleep with are feather so I was excited to get the blanket. It too, is WONDERFUL. Regardless of how crappy my day is, how stressed I am or can’t get any positive thoughts; I get into my bed and instantly think to myself, “I love my bed.”

My romantic relationships? Not so much. I won’t go into that. I have learned the hard way that I shouldn’t write about that area in a blog. All I can say right now is that I am single. Do I like it? Yes/No.

For about the first four weeks of moving out I couldn’t sleep. I was on sleep medication but after four weeks they finally put me on a second medication. I am happy to report that I am sleeping at night again. I still sometimes wake up to the slightest noise from my roommates but I’m sleeping and that’s all that matters. I was scared shitless to move out. I didn’t want to fail. But I’m finding out things always work out, even when you think it might not. It may take awhile, it might not…

There is my update and why I have been MIA. Ahhh to be an adult.


Old sdloopy posts

I may lump some of my shorter posts together, but otherwise here we go…

Oct 5, 2006


Upon going through my boxes for storage I came across my old cartoon drawings, my old letters and even my old poem I wrote. I normally do not write poems. It’s not my thing to do I guess but I love them when they rhyme. I think any other poem I have is one being forced by my high school English teachers. This poem was dated June of 2002. Even though it is old, emotions are still very familiar. As in few weeks familiar.


You were my best friend, the one I could turn to. You would give me hope when I became blue.

Your smile kept me going through the day, with your eyes so focused, I didn’t think you would ever go astray.

You had a soothing and electrifying touch. The way you complimented me, I couldn’t help but blush.

I thought you were different so I thought I would try. But like all the other men, you as well lie.

I hate the fact that you do not speak, for all I can do now is weep.

Nov 26, 2006

Just some thoughts

What’s the difference between friendships and intimate relationships when it comes to trust? Is there a difference? Are we more forgiving to friends than a significant other? If a person felt their trust was betrayed by a significant other they might break things off. But when a friend does it, generally don’t they try to work it out? Like intimate relationships, friendships also need work. Both friends have to put in the motivation to keep it alive and growing.

My trust with one of my friendships was placed on hold today. The question that is in my head that I am pondering is should I forgive or should I say, “Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.” Some people say they are nicest people to you, unless you do them wrong. Doesn’t everyone make mistakes though? Are we not human if we do not make mistakes? It’s easy to stay focused on another person’s mistakes instead of your own… What considers a mistake to be unforgivable? What is the friendship threshold from a human mistake?

I’m not sure if I have ever had to deal with a trust issue like this before. Either that or it’s been so long the glasses I’m wearing are so dusty that I can’t see through them. It’s not only the issue that’s a concern but the emotions that come along with it. I feel very betrayed and hurt by these actions.

They (“experts”) say holding a grudge is bad for your health. But yet you can’t let people walk all over you; you have to come to a happy-medium perhaps. Apparently, I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. I don’t like confrontation. Generally if I am fighting with someone I give in first. I hate not talking and giving/receiving the cold shoulder. Perhaps I don’t have the will power. I have not waived the truce flag yet; I’m trying to not make any choices until I cool down.