Wordless Wednesday – Kind of

The first few weeks of Storm’s absence was extremely difficult. It had been a while since something (or someone) that close to me had passed away. Some of my grandparents have passed but I wasn’t super close to them. This may have been my first real big death. And it SUCKS. It blows goats. But, as people have mentioned to me, it gets a little better with time. I know that I am certainly in a better state of mind than a month ago. I can actually talk about her now. I may be crying, but at least I can talk about her where before I just couldn’t do it. In fact, it is positive I will be crying because there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry about her.

I have been spending a lot of time by myself in my home. Yes, yes I know that isn’t healthy for me blah blah blah. But I haven’t been just curled up in a ball watching t.v., I either read or color. Definitely more of coloring.

And when my mind is thinking too much I turn to reading as I am then whisked away somewhere else while being someone else. Last week, my sister asked if I could start helping her out by picking up one of my youngest nephews from school, take him home and watching him for about an hour and half. Something again about me needing to get out of my house. I don’t want to but I know she would help me in a heartbeat so I said I would a couple days a week. So I started this week and have been ill every day so far. Haha! I swear it hasn’t been intentional! 🙂

I wanted to have something with me everyday with Storm’s ashes so I pulled up Amazon on my phone. I picked out a necklace, that also doubles as a key chain. The ratings were good with a price of only $10.99. It’s pretty heavy! I like it though. 🙂 A couple of my cousins are getting me something, but I will have to post a picture once I get it.

I must admit that I have already started to look at other dogs and pets. It seems a bit early, especially with how close I was to Storm. I think having something else to focus on, will help me focus on her less. I also think Storm’s whole leg issues made me be aware that she might not have much more time with me. So maybe my grieving started early?? There were quite a few times that I not only thought she was going to die but was questioning if I should put her to sleep. Those last four to five months were literally hell for us. And as much as I loathe that she is not here, I know she is in a better place now.

Storm’s 8th birthday – her last birthday, right in the middle of our hellish months

 

You Can Rest Now, My Baby

At 3:06 p.m. I hear the vet in the background say, “Her heart has stopped.”

Then my heart stops for only a moment and I begin to sob in the back of Storm’s neck. I faintly hear the vet tech and my sister, Melissa, make a mold of Storm’s paw to have as a keepsake. As the vet tech leaves, she says very gently that I can take as much time as I need. I wait a couple moments then ask Melissa to give me some time with Storm alone. She leaves and I began to start sobbing all over again while embracing her body in a hug on the floor. I cry and cry until her body begins to start turning cold. That realization makes me cry harder because she always gave off so much heat, she was like my little heater.

Not much long after, I decided that I should get my sister in the waiting room and leave. September 1st will no longer be just a “normal” day for me.

It feels like I am in a dream, that she really isn’t gone and I desperately need to wake up. Everywhere I look in my townhouse I see her, or where she should be. In everything I do I see her, or should see her watching me.

That first night was unbearable without her. I miss her down by my feet then when I finally turn off my lamp, she lays next to my chest. I miss only having 1/4th of a bed to sleep on. I miss her waking me in the middle of the night to be let under the covers so she can cuddle my legs to get warm.

The next day I try doing some socializing at my mom’s, then go home to find out that coming home to an empty house is heart-wrenching. It makes me no longer to want to leave my place ever again.

I’m not sure about the future of this blog. I mean, I mostly made it to talk about Storm (plus other dogs). I suppose I can still write about my Lupus…

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. The next few posts will be about her and why I had to do what I did. Some may be sappy posts of pics of her and why I miss her so much. I just need to get it out instead of keeping it all in my head.

On the way for the last meal, Cheeseburger and ice cream.

Last play with my nephew, Kyan.

Waiting for her sedatives to work. Stubborn yet lovable bulldog! They had to give it to her twice because she kept fighting it.

 

Note: I need to thank my sister for going with me. She doesn’t do well with death (not that anyone really does well with it), yet she went for me. Not only did she go, but she stayed in the room with me so I didn’t have to do this alone. That is huge for her and I have to give her mad props for that. Thank you, seester. I love you.