Holidays (mostly Christmas) can be very depressing for someone with a chronic illness, especially if they do not have a significant other. It could be that that person is not able to partake in festivities due to how shitty they feel. Another reason may be because they are on disability income and cannot afford gifts for the important people in their lives. Yes, it’s not about gifts, but it’s about being with family and friends. However it’s hard to keep that thought as everyone around you are opening gifts. And TV sure as hell doesn’t help. Every other commercial is about gifts, and what you are getting your loved one. Because more than ever, you want to be watching the surprise and happiness on their face when they open the gift from you.
These last few weeks I have been in a downward spiral with my depression. I am trying things and skills I learned in therapy to try and get back in the right mindset but nothing is working. I feel completely alone and lonely. It’s been a long time since I have cried this much. A factor that doesn’t help is I feel my close friends have not been there for me during this difficult time. A support group/circle is very critical to someone with a chronic illness (even for a normal person). Bless my mom for her support and putting up with my depressing texts, I would be worse off if she were not in my life. I have thought about contacting my therapist but I keep telling myself that I will soon feel better and back to my old self (and actually believe it) so there is no need to. But that hasn’t really been working either…
This is where my therapy skills that I learned kicks in: The negative thoughts (I thought about putting “voices,” then decided against it haha) are saying that my friends don’t care about me (I have voiced my opinion to them that holidays are depressing but they haven’t bothered to check on me.). But my therapy skills say, ‘let’s list reasons why they are unavailable and then choose a more realistic reason why they aren’t there for me: Do they have kids? A job? Significant other? Health problems? So every time I think a negative thought, I counteract it with a positive or realistic thought. But it’s not sticking. 😦 And I realize that everyone has a life so they will be busy and that’s why I don’t hear from them. But my depression makes me focus on only ME and nothing else. Why things aren’t working out for ME. Me, me, me. I’m not dismissing that depression is fake, it is very much real. When I find out my friends are not happy or sick, I try to contact them right away to see if things are okay. But I feel that they don’t do it in return. Don’t I deserve to feel loved? 😦
Yes, today is World Lupus Day! Get the word out as much as you can!
Flares are a bitch. You never know how long it will last or when it decides to pop up. In high school, I always became sick with something right when school would start up in September. I wasn’t diagnosed yet but we just blamed it on bad luck. When was I diagnosed? In August, just a few weeks shy of starting college as a freshman. My mom and I can’t help but wonder if the stress of going back to school is what caused me to be sick around that time. And that perhaps, in high school I had Lupus all along.
Isn’t the common flare trigger above just crazy? But it is the truth; Lupus really restricts your life. Consider no longer being able to spend hours outside in the sun without the proper equipment such as sun block, a hat, shade and clothing that covers most of your body. Not only does the sun bother me but the heat (or humidity) as well. If I spend an amount of time in the heat, I usually need to go somewhere with cool air and nap otherwise I am basically a zombie.
That is all I can do for now. Thanks for reading! 🙂
For the month of May I was going to post something about Lupus every day, but my Lupus had other ideas! All of last week I felt like crap. I was nauseated, had a fever and wicked heartburn. I got heartburn from eating peanut butter toast with a glass of water. And no, I am not pregnant because there is another part of the equation that is missing for me to be pregnant. Those symptoms sound very much like the flu, yes? That is what I deal with as part of my Lupus. Sometimes I’m not even sure what my nausea is from, it could be the disease itself or my medications.
Literally, everything is a SURPRISE with Lupus. Including when it decides to be active, or when it decides to take it down a notch. It is extremely frustrating if you are a planner, like yours truly. It didn’t bother me so much when it wasn’t too active while I held a full time job. But ever since when my Lupus became more active and it forced me to stop working, I have had to learn to fly by the seat of my pants. I have had to take one day at a time and sometimes even one moment at a time.
So NOW for the month of May, I plan on posting bits of info and/or pictures relating to my illness. I can’t promise you anything but will try my darn hardest. 🙂