It’s A Boy!

You read the title correctly! I would like you to meet Benelli!

So yes, I have a puppy not long after Storm. Honestly, I thought it would be months or years before getting another one. I was so lonely and alone. I have no one to talk/see on a daily basis since I am on disability. I am not married or have a boyfriend and I have no children. Companion pets truly do have a huge emphasis on people. I have always believed it, but even more so since Storm has been gone. The silence was deafening.

I decided to start asking questions to people that have fostered because I wasn’t sure I could ever afford another dog. And the nice thing about fostering is that you don’t have to pay for anything, they supply everything.

That soon changed as I was gifted a mini Aussie puppy! The person wishes to remain anonymous but they just have the biggest heart and I think I am still in shock.

This person sent me a message and asked if I thought I was ready for another puppy. I took some (short) time to think about it because I wasn’t sure if I was ready. How do you know you have moved through the grieving process to the point of keeping the past in the past? I am not sure if I was completely ready for another dog but said yes. How could anyone pass up a deal like that??

I waited until he was eight weeks old then brought him home. My new baby boy is a mini Aussie.  I had no clue for a name but had a couple that I liked. I finally settled with Benelli (the “i” sounds like “e”). Yes, the same name as the shotgun and yes, I chose an Italian name for an Aussie. Hahaha!

Yay first successful bath! Third time’s a charm! Haha

 

And let me tell you, it has been quite some time since I had to go through puppy/potty training! This little pup has been kicking my ass, with trying to watch out for going potty in the house to constantly playing with him to try and wear him out. Just like a human baby, sleeping in is no longer an option and I no longer have any privacy.

My Lupus is not impressed with not being able to rest much and is now pretty active. BUT, I now laugh multiple times during each day. As much as I hate it, I am constantly having to take him outside and breathe fresh air (we live in a smaller area where we do not have to worry about smog so it really is fresh air). I know he’s good for my health overall. 🙂

I am excited to start this next journey with him!

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Wordless Wednesday – Kind of

The first few weeks of Storm’s absence was extremely difficult. It had been a while since something (or someone) that close to me had passed away. Some of my grandparents have passed but I wasn’t super close to them. This may have been my first real big death. And it SUCKS. It blows goats. But, as people have mentioned to me, it gets a little better with time. I know that I am certainly in a better state of mind than a month ago. I can actually talk about her now. I may be crying, but at least I can talk about her where before I just couldn’t do it. In fact, it is positive I will be crying because there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry about her.

I have been spending a lot of time by myself in my home. Yes, yes I know that isn’t healthy for me blah blah blah. But I haven’t been just curled up in a ball watching t.v., I either read or color. Definitely more of coloring.

And when my mind is thinking too much I turn to reading as I am then whisked away somewhere else while being someone else. Last week, my sister asked if I could start helping her out by picking up one of my youngest nephews from school, take him home and watching him for about an hour and half. Something again about me needing to get out of my house. I don’t want to but I know she would help me in a heartbeat so I said I would a couple days a week. So I started this week and have been ill every day so far. Haha! I swear it hasn’t been intentional! 🙂

I wanted to have something with me everyday with Storm’s ashes so I pulled up Amazon on my phone. I picked out a necklace, that also doubles as a key chain. The ratings were good with a price of only $10.99. It’s pretty heavy! I like it though. 🙂 A couple of my cousins are getting me something, but I will have to post a picture once I get it.

I must admit that I have already started to look at other dogs and pets. It seems a bit early, especially with how close I was to Storm. I think having something else to focus on, will help me focus on her less. I also think Storm’s whole leg issues made me be aware that she might not have much more time with me. So maybe my grieving started early?? There were quite a few times that I not only thought she was going to die but was questioning if I should put her to sleep. Those last four to five months were literally hell for us. And as much as I loathe that she is not here, I know she is in a better place now.

Storm’s 8th birthday – her last birthday, right in the middle of our hellish months

 

Why??

I think the question you are wanting to ask me of the reason Storm was put down is “Why? Your other post mentioned she had some issues but that was part of the healing process.” I have more than one reason but it was mainly because it seemed the same thing was happening to her other paws.

One of her front paws
Her (only) back paw

 

To say it was a difficult decision to make is such an understatement. I have talked to my mom about this subject several times knowing what I should probably do, making the choice, but then not actually going through with it.

I kept hoping (and wishing) that she would finally get a break. I kept thinking that this would be the last problem–at least for some time. But that wasn’t the case.

Storm and I (mostly Storm) had been through hell from April to the beginning of this month. I honestly don’t know how I got through it all. The help of my mom and my sister kept me sane on the really scary parts. But overall it has taken a toll on me mentally. I am dumbfounded how it hasn’t started a shit storm with my Lupus and affected me physically. I think even though these last few months have sucked, it has brought me closer to my mom and sister.  These last few months I have seen just how much they love me. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

Although painful at times, love is a wonderful thing.

 

 

You Can Rest Now, My Baby

At 3:06 p.m. I hear the vet in the background say, “Her heart has stopped.”

Then my heart stops for only a moment and I begin to sob in the back of Storm’s neck. I faintly hear the vet tech and my sister, Melissa, make a mold of Storm’s paw to have as a keepsake. As the vet tech leaves, she says very gently that I can take as much time as I need. I wait a couple moments then ask Melissa to give me some time with Storm alone. She leaves and I began to start sobbing all over again while embracing her body in a hug on the floor. I cry and cry until her body begins to start turning cold. That realization makes me cry harder because she always gave off so much heat, she was like my little heater.

Not much long after, I decided that I should get my sister in the waiting room and leave. September 1st will no longer be just a “normal” day for me.

It feels like I am in a dream, that she really isn’t gone and I desperately need to wake up. Everywhere I look in my townhouse I see her, or where she should be. In everything I do I see her, or should see her watching me.

That first night was unbearable without her. I miss her down by my feet then when I finally turn off my lamp, she lays next to my chest. I miss only having 1/4th of a bed to sleep on. I miss her waking me in the middle of the night to be let under the covers so she can cuddle my legs to get warm.

The next day I try doing some socializing at my mom’s, then go home to find out that coming home to an empty house is heart-wrenching. It makes me no longer to want to leave my place ever again.

I’m not sure about the future of this blog. I mean, I mostly made it to talk about Storm (plus other dogs). I suppose I can still write about my Lupus…

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. The next few posts will be about her and why I had to do what I did. Some may be sappy posts of pics of her and why I miss her so much. I just need to get it out instead of keeping it all in my head.

On the way for the last meal, Cheeseburger and ice cream.

Last play with my nephew, Kyan.

Waiting for her sedatives to work. Stubborn yet lovable bulldog! They had to give it to her twice because she kept fighting it.

 

Note: I need to thank my sister for going with me. She doesn’t do well with death (not that anyone really does well with it), yet she went for me. Not only did she go, but she stayed in the room with me so I didn’t have to do this alone. That is huge for her and I have to give her mad props for that. Thank you, seester. I love you.

Still Healing

So lately I have become addicted to something. It steals my time used for writing, reading, coloring, and chores. It’s a damn phone game! I haven’t been this obsessed about playing games since middle school! It’s called Simon’s Cat (yes, the cartoon). And I THINK it is a lot like Candy Crush and I emphasize the word ‘think’ because I have never played Candy Crush. The goal is to feed Simon and his friends as many colored treats with only a certain amount of chances. How could I not love a game where I feed a cat a treat?!? And I need to stop playing because I keep spending money on it to purchase more lives or tricks to defeat the villains. Oh yeah and because I have things to get done around my house. Hahaha.

Things with Storm are going pretty well. I was worried she was getting infections because she kept getting holes where her incision site was. It was VERY stressful on me. So stressful that I considered putting her down. But it was also stressful on Storm as she would get a fever before it would happen, so she wouldn’t be acting like herself, would be laying around more often, etc. I finally was able to get her into the vet’s while she had a hole still open (after a couple days the hole would heal and completely close). The vet looked at it and said it wasn’t an infection, but it was her body trying to rebuild granulated tissue. My understanding of granulated tissue is that it’s like scar tissue in a way, but it builds layer upon layer of new tissue where there is a gap. It’s a bit annoying because when the site opens, blood and fluid come out a few times for a few days (i.e. Mom has to do a lot of laundry because blankets are now over every piece of furniture). But every time it looks better and the holes are smaller. So unfortunately Storm still has to wear the Cone of Shame time from time.

 

 

Pride Festival 2017

Last Saturday, I went to support my gay family and friends and went to our city’s Pride festival. This was the first time attending and I didn’t know anyone there. Normally, if I don’t have someone to go with somewhere, I just won’t go. Yes, I give up my chance of having fun or living LIFE just because I don’t want to go alone. And I know that I am not the only person like this. *cough* introverts *cough* But I’ve had enough of missing things just because I am… Hmmm I don’t know, scared? Intimidated? Care about what people think of me being there alone? My mother often goes to movies alone, I have always admired her for that. It is something I need to do sometime because there are tons of movies that I have wanted to see but never had anyone to go with sooooo I missed the chance of seeing them on the big screen.

So going to this festival alone was HUGE for me as it is the first thing I have done alone (I think). Technically I guess I wasn’t alone, I brought Storm. But having her with me gave me the courage to get out of my house and go. Even though I brought her with, I am still proud of myself and had to give myself a pat on the back (by posting it ha!).

I ended up staying for a couple hours, which surprised me. But how could I leave when the main theme is about love? Oh! And how could I leave when everyone was adoring and gushing over Storm? I can’t help it, I’m a proud mama. I like to show her off. 🙂

The most badass roller derby chic that I’ve ever seen! Hahaha!